06.02.22
Regulating is not something we are born with the capacity to do!It is something we have to learn.
As babies, to be able to transition from dysregulated to regulated we need our primary caregivers to hold and support us in our distress so that we feel safe enough to be able to re-regulate.When we consistently have our emotional needs met this becomes an internalised process, preparing us to be able to regulate as adults.
Don’t worry! Speaking from personal experience regardless of our early experiences of regulation, it’s something that is always being developed and tested and is part of life.So what does this mean for us parents?
Co-regulation is holding that emotional space we talked about in our ‘Hold’ post. Keeping ourselves regulated so that we can ride out the storm with them. It takes a shift in perspective because it’s HARD. Sometimes their big, explosive feelings can feel really overwhelming and you just want them to go away - either you sending them away or you walking away.
It’s pushing through all that. Instead seeing it as an opportunity to remind them that “we’re in this together, it will pass and I will be right here with you until it does”. Ultimately it means looking beyond the behaviour to those big underlying feelings that we identified in our own dysregulation (yesterday’s post).
It’s sending the message;
“I love you and accept you as you are” even when your behaviour might make me want to push you away. It’s staying there with them, whilst also struggling to keep ourselves regulated.
In a nutshell:
To teach a child self-regulation, they need to experience co-regulation with us first. By making ourselves available to our child, supporting them and being with them even in the messiest of moments is what will eventually lead to them being able to self-regulate when they are that sad and angry 8 year old at school after having a tiff with their friend. So, next time your 2 year old is throwing a wobbly - remember they’re not choosing to, they’re just overwhelmed and need you to help them through these big scary feelings.
Pause. Breathe. Regulate.
This is our mantra.
P.B.R is at the core of everything we do. We can all get overwhelmed by our big feelings at times, big and littlies alike.
At Hold & Play we love this mantra to help ground ourselves and bring things back into the now. To contain ourselves so that we can better contain them.
Step 1:
*Pause*
Hold. Woah.
Hold your thoughts; don’t let them run away with you.
Hold your words; don’t say something you don’t really mean.
Hold your actions; don’t do something that isn’t really you.
Just *pause* for a moment and let yourself completely detach from the situation.
Is that walking away for a few seconds?
Is that mentally removing yourself?
How do you ‘pause’ in those tricky moments?
Step 2:
*Breathe*
Just.Breathe.
Take a long deep breath in, right down into your belly and then slowly let it all out.
Take a few more breaths like this if you need to (more often than not - trust us we know!)
At Hold & Play, one of the things we focus on right from the start is the power of breath and breathing. Such a cliche - we also know! And it's probably so over said/ used, however there is a lot of truth in it because really it is one of the few things we can actually control in life.
And for us "self-aware, working-on-it" control freaks out there (Salina & Kate), this is why we love it. Because this kind of control actually brings calm and centredness.
How?
By giving us the power to bring everything back online (neurologically) and balancing everything out (hormonally).
In other words, what we are saying is that when we breathe slowly and deeply we are sending a message to our brains that we are safe (just watch the gentle, rhythmic rise and fall of a baby’s belly as they sleep).
We are activating the ‘Parasympathetic Nervous System’ (rest, digest & recovery) and preventing the ‘Sympathetic Nervous System’ (fight, flight, feeze) from being activated. This in turn stops the stress hormone ‘cortisol’ from being released which affects our ability to think logically and causes us to react impulsively.
It’s not a quick fix. Breathing with this awareness is like a muscle, it needs to be trained and strengthened over time to gain this sense of self-control. We encourage you to keep trying.
So next time life throws you those epic parental curveballs;
You have been up all night comforting and tending to your beautiful newborn and they STILL won’t stop crying!
Your toddler lying screaming on the floor because of that ice-cream THEY threw.
Your 6 year old wanting desperately to be 16 with all that independence and telling you how much they “hate you” when you gently remind them that they are not quite there yet.
Your 13 year old giving you some good quality sass (for the 763rd time today…) that would make even your own teenage self run for the hills!
So remember:
*pause*
And then;
*breathe*
That long. calming. deep breath.
You’ve got this.
Step 3:
*Regulate*
The reason we PAUSE and BREATHE is to help us to REGULATE.
As we were discussing and creating this post we realised it’s probably easier to talk about ‘dysregulation’ before ‘regulation’. So here it goes...
Dysregulation.
How do we know when we are dysregulated?
What does that look or feel like?
Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling stretched too thin
a bit ‘panicky’
Agitated/ Irritated
Impatient
Intolerant
Frustrated
Snappy...
We think you get the idea.
But on a deeper level, it could also look like;
Anger
Hopelessness
Self-doubt
Tearful
When the world seems slightly off tilt, when you feel like you are skating on thin ice and you know you could crack at any moment; you are most likely on the slippery slope to dysregulation.
All of us experience varying degrees of dysregulation throughout the day. It’s perfectly normal. Some of us are more aware of it than others. Depending on the situation, and the level of dysregulation, it can take us longer to re-regulate.
So what is regulation then?
*It’s a state of emotional balance.*
But how does that actually feel? What does that look like?
Feeling calm and confident.
Having the ability to respond and not react.
Being able to deal with what life throws at you.
Almost feeling slightly invincible.
Feeling compassion towards others
Have more empathy towards others
Being more patient and tolerant
Feeling grounded and centred
The reality is flipping from regulated to dysregulated can happen in a split second and generally happens multiple times a day. The point is not to avoid dysregulation, it's about recogonising when you’re on the edge and bringing yourself back quicker.
Remember: PBR: PAUSE.BREATHE.REGULATE.
K + S xx